Living Zen Life

The self, "my self," takes pleasure
in this lovely spring evening.
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My study of self consciously began
the day I stepped away from sangha
beginning a long overdue soul-searching
following my wife's death.

My time away is much needed
evidenced by things I've discovered
I might not have otherwise. 
This is no straight path
but one of trial and error.

Recently I began a list of my thinking habits
that "need careful study."
My list, however accurate or complete,
       (never accurate or complete)
is not helpful.
I trust Master Dogen 
did not mean for us to begin self-study lists
checking items off on completion.
In Fukanzazengi, due to the intimate nature of zazen, 
Dogen clarifies things advising,
"...take the backward step... illuminate the self."

What might the light of zazen reveal?
All my faults failures fears fantasies?
Those I can see by any ordinary light!
The light that illumines self 
must be able to penetrate to the deep dark
where it is most needed.
 
There is no gaining mind in zazen 
not because I tell myself to expect nothing
but because, even were I to try,
my thinking mind would be denied access
to the sublime sinuous pathways
of my ancient and twisted karma.
There's the rub - the dark of shadowy hidden regions
my thinking mind could not begin to comprehend. 

Zazen provides a sanctuary 
where only the enlightened mind can go -
probing deep, sending deft fingers to places
hurt unhealed scared and scarred,
resting in those places for a time 
taking them silently away when the bell sounds.