Living Zen Life

My inner world is the only world I know
and that not very well.
I am not aware how others see me.
Thinking myself an intuitive
introspective introverted sort
I wonder whether I know who I am at all 
much less what others think of me?
And don't say it doesn't matter what others think
it does, if others can clearly see
what I've been unable to see in myself.
Of that I have plenty of evidence!

I put off the question for years
having one with me who cared
leaving me free to putter around the house
tinker in the garage take care of the yard
anything but take a long serious look inside.

She cared for me and that was well.
Now she has gone taking her love with her
while I abandoned house garage and yard.
I am left with my thoughts and memories
trying to make sense of it all
finding and putting back the pieces
of this Humpty Dumpty who took a great fall.

I thought I was doing well
until my inner self grabbed me by the scruff
made me start paying attention.
I am trying now having halted my own crazy
leaving me with time silence and solitude.
Not wanting these in such abundance
I've got them or they've got me
just where they want me - paying attention
at last...

I cannot rely on Zen to give me the answers
though I been living that road. 
Not even my old Chinese hermit poets
do me much good.
Trying to lean on those old coots
they just step back saying
Man, you need to do the hard work
we can't do it for you.
Bums!

Here I am looking up at the wall
pieces scattered hither and yon.
This is my work, my unfinished masterpiece,
having nothing to do with words ideas or plans
only taping and gluing pieces back together
trusting that there is something outside of me
that will know how to add the finishing touches.