Once upon a time...
I had a yard filled with life
gone now to another.
These remain.

Happy to share the air
give them water
set them in sun's light
speak kind words.

Adventures behind me
less complex wonders await
everywhere at all times
may I have eyes to see.

Good to learn simplicity
growing old has its own problems
trading complex for simple
as much as I can.

---

Observe - question - hypothesize
test - analyze -conclude.
______________________________

Since my wife died
this is what life has felt like,
an experiment in how to live.

I did not know what else to do 
but test ways of understanding 
try ways of living, without her.

Tonight, I come to realize
my life is no experiment
it is only life.

The scientific method does not apply.
I am no guinea pig 
I am no one's subject for testing.

I am not God's subject
to be judged here
or in any life hereafter.

I am not society's subject
to weigh my benefit or neglect
as if weights on a scale.

I am not the subject of any creed
measured by adherence 
to it's set of rules, forms, or dogmas.

Nor am I my own subject
to be judged by my own arbitrary rules
formulated out of the dregs of my past.

To what, then, am I subject?
Only, as all are, to this -
Death.

If my wife's death taught me anything
it is that death is nothing to be feared
only embraced.

Taught me that the world's view of death
is irredeemably myopic
laced with fear and dread.

I watched my wife die.
I saw in her nothing of
fear, dread, or anguish.

I have, then, one arbiter
who is neither grim nor reaps.
Death. The death of this one sitting here.

Where one lives matters.
Some old Japanese Chinese monks
found monastic life a tedious waste
set out for solitary mountains
Zen coming naturally
contorted rock forms 
gnarled pines wind twisted.

Where I live matters.
Leaving opulent confines behind
where what one possesses
matters more than what possesses one.
I was not at home
could not ever have been home.
Most lives are little like mine.

I am not better.
I've lived for years with my faults
suffered from my indiscretions
felt remorse without relief.
Zen cannot absolve my past
cannot remove what lies before me.
Sitting, I can find my way.

Here I am.
No longer with life partner
abandoning a circle of friends.
Home matters. 
Staying where I am not home
is living as stranger
in a strange unforgiving land.

Years living Christian life
some few as priest
many beside my wife
remains in me part of me.

Christ - Jesus of Nazareth -
son of Mary Joseph his Father
friend of Mary Martha Lazarus
spoke to the woman at the well.

Francis of Assisi 
Clare of Assisi at his side
Brother Sun Sister Moon
as one at San Damiano.

One triune mystery
gathered it all in let it all go
smoothed the dome of heaven
round as the nest of a bird.

---

“The spirit blows through grasses and trees
you cannot see or hear what moves them
cannot tell from which direction it comes or goes
so it is with all who are called by the Spirit.”

(john 3:8 – my paraphrase)

Roar of morning traffic on Stone Way
working western world rouses
tasks of building maintaining feeding
sounds movements unknown to the Ancients
my world not the same as theirs.

Tonight's half moon graces the southern sky
hovering above Seattle skyline
undisturbed by our doings here.
I am alone on this rooftop garden
alone with my thoughts and cell(s).

There is nothing more than this
sitting here half moon floating there
together in this summer tableau 
painted by a master long silent 
whose brushes have been put away for good.

Each artist is the same
creating works from palatte and genius
inspired by such muses as may call
step back admire step away.
Muses are many patiently waiting. 

What muse must the Creator have heard
saying, make a tiny bit of nothing
a star perhaps a cosmos a world 
pencil in creatures large and small
city glistening beneath the star's evening light.

The unexamined life is not worth living.*
To know others is to be wise. To know oneself is to be enlightened.**

---

Stepping away 
solitude opens hidden stores 
forgotten self awakens
true self buried to the neck
in this earthen vessel.***

Solitude has broken the seal
cracked the buried vessel 
released aromas of quickened life
light revealing unquestioned assumptions
beliefs creeds rituals unveiled as hollow.

I'm no enlightened one
my thoughts turn to self inquiry
see what I might find
what I lost through neglect
what will help me find my way.

Mornings in Seattle cool and gray
afternoons give way to warm blue skies
nowhere to go or be
evening sun has set
laughter from the tavern below.

---

*Socrates, in Plato's, The Apology
**Lao Tzu, TaoTeChing (33)
***Paul of Tarsus, 2 Corinthians 4:7

---

I watched as my wife,
over four years,
let go and let go and let go of her life
not wanting to
but who, at her end, 
let her life go with graceful elegance,
smiling softly, saying her final words:

     "Hello
     Hello
     Hello
     Goodbye."

We watched as she left us 
her enigmatic greetings and farewell
sounding in our ears and hearts.

We wondered who she saw 
to whom she addressed
her wondrous greetings?

I am reminded of the angel Gabriel
coming to visit Mary
as if this same Angel came to Carol
and her, in astounded wonder, at death's door,
only able to say, three times,
     Hello!
Her smile, joyful recognition
in her liminal moment
of the fulfillment of her faith-filled life.

This is Fra Angelico's, "Annunciation," that hangs at the head of the stairwell of the Convent of San Marco, Florence, Italy. Seeing it, as Carol and I did on our visit to Italy, this does no justice to the original which is brilliant in color and detail. Of all the magnificent artworks we saw in Italy, this will remain, to me, the most wondrous of all.

Last days owning
among uber wealthy
glad to let them go.

Simplfying has expenses
costs I'll not recover
gaining peace of heart.

Mind questions
no way to calculate
what may come.

Will peace follow
unexpected consequence
unexpected joy?

Outcomes unpredictable 
risk taken wait
I don't know another way.

To know again
what once I knew
seeing being seen
myriad vines berries trees
stopping along lakeshore path 
seeing as a child I saw
laying in the summer grass 
myriad vines berries trees
lift along the lakeside
vine berry tree profusion
along the narrow path
little to separate us
but mind ever forgetful.

Naming recent patterns 
disturbing trends:

     *Sold my Portland  home, moved back to Seattle 
     *Dropped out of my men's group 
     *Left my Zen sangha
     *Selling my home to move again

What does it all mean?

I am comfortable leaving
what I do not want.
What do I want?
What will make me happy
give me lasting peace?

Good questions.

I don't know the answers.

It is easy enough for me to say
why I have left all of the above.
I have my reasons
perhaps none others would understand.

I'm dodging the real question.
What do I want?
What am I searching for?

I want to find home.
It is not a matter of four walls
It is many things all together.
Finding one piece is easy enough
finding the whole thing
well, that's another thing all together.