Last days owning
among uber wealthy
glad to let them go.

Simplfying has expenses
costs I'll not recover
gaining peace of heart.

Mind questions
no way to calculate
what may come.

Will peace follow
unexpected consequence
unexpected joy?

Outcomes unpredictable 
risk taken wait
I don't know another way.

morning stroll 
old forest path
water lily bloom

graced fortune
greeting beauty
mornings

we walked the way
water lily bloom
as lovely 







 

I'm working on seeing, really seeing,
all the non-human sentient beings.
I do pretty good at spider recognition.
I'm keen on an Anna's hummingbird 
who fancies branches just off my veranda.
I say hello. If she\he\they answer back
I don't have the way of hearing.

It's humans of the species that intrigue me most.
I walk plenty these days and watch 
as one or two of the breed approach on the sidewalk.
I've taken to naming the ways they recognize
or do not recognize me.
It is an odd habit of mine,
one of many to be sure.

Of course, there are the friendly acknowledgements from many,
hello, wave, smile, good morning!
Personally, my favorite greeting is, "Howdy!"
How I came to almost exclusively use this 
anachronistic greeting is beyond me.

Then there are a few wonderfully unusual greetings,
rare, but much appreciated:

There is the tip of the cap. 
I have not seen this one but I'd like to practice it. 
It is, after all, an elegant gesture, with long history
including simply touching the bill of the cap (baseball or tophat), lifting the hat full off the head, 
and, even older, whisking the hat behind, with the 
opposite arm folded across the chest,
profoundly bowing the while, Three Musketeer style. This, I believe,
is reserved for acknowledging the female of the species.
I don't think I'll practice this one.

One of my favorites is the runner guy
I regularly see, approaching me on the sidewalk,
giving me a crisp military style salute.
I'm guessing former Marine Corps officer.

One fine day, from across the street,
a woman, while running, cast a lovely smile at me
with a wave to boot. Made my day.

Then, of course, there are the many modes
of non recognition, some more insulting than others:

There is the very common "look away" just before we pass as if something important just happened to catch their eye.

Then there is the "important cell phone call or message"
that happened to come just in time to save them from having to show the courtesy of a simple greeting.

The "dog look away." This is especially discouraging as dogs are usually the friendliest greeters on the planet.

The "completely ignore me while staring straight ahead as if I didn't exist, or was a ghost they could not see." I am fairly certain I am no ghost though some day I may be.

The "double look away" when two people both see something important at the same time, just in time to complete the full ignore.

There is, "the cat look at while walking by ignore" as if I were no one of consequence. Cats are highly proficient in this type of ignore. I must give credit where due. Younger ones of the human species are equally adept at this one.

The "reluctant acknowledgement." I appreciate this one thinking, at least they tried.

This study of human behavior is in the realm of study of self. I have done and must recognize that I have exhibited all of these behaviors. The world is a vast mirror showing me myself at every turn.  If I look at any other, human, dog, cat, flower, tree, I am looking at myself.

To know again
what once I knew
seeing being seen
myriad vines berries trees
stopping along lakeshore path 
seeing as a child I saw
laying in the summer grass 
myriad vines berries trees
lift along the lakeside
vine berry tree profusion
along the narrow path
little to separate us
but mind ever forgetful.

Naming recent patterns 
disturbing trends:

     *Sold my Portland  home, moved back to Seattle 
     *Dropped out of my men's group 
     *Left my Zen sangha
     *Selling my home to move again

What does it all mean?

I am comfortable leaving
what I do not want.
What do I want?
What will make me happy
give me lasting peace?

Good questions.

I don't know the answers.

It is easy enough for me to say
why I have left all of the above.
I have my reasons
perhaps none others would understand.

I'm dodging the real question.
What do I want?
What am I searching for?

I want to find home.
It is not a matter of four walls
It is many things all together.
Finding one piece is easy enough
finding the whole thing
well, that's another thing all together.

through the rear view mirror
making the state street curve
I saw mom dad disappear behind me
young ignorant
my young life leaving home

curves one upon another
a love vanishes
friends wave farewell
rear view mirror
cannot hold them all

troubling pattern
looking back leaving
waving goodbye 
rear view mirror
they all disappear

I cannot know or say 
what Carol experienced
as death came to her
difficult to imagine
life to life transfigured.

We were with her 
helping her on her way
as best we could
as our living room 
became holy ground

She lay in her hospice bed
suspended in the liminal
between life and death
time without meaning
being without relevance

She had begun to witness 
sublime unfolding mysteries
around her in her
we watching as she 
moved to a door opening only to her.

There is a moment when life 
realizes it need not be 
allows itself to be subsumed 
into profound reaches
stretching beyond infinity borders...

...then leaps, carefree!

I think that's what she did
looking back then ahead
saying goodbye
flawless leaping in grand jeté 
onto a stage far and far away.

will I ever find home or 
with days left to me
continue searching as if
there is home in this world?
It seems as a lost piece
an incomplete puzzle
so on goes my search
under all the furniture
beneath the carpet edges
I'll keep looking
it is valuable that piece
if experience is any judge
it is right under my nose
or somewhere above my nose.

When she wasn't reading or walking
Carol enjoyed knitting needlepoint 
coloring or sewing.
In the first months of COVID
she sewed a hundred or so masks
to give to friends and family.
In her last years these projects helped her 
as she suffered with cancer moving in her.

Feast of Ephiphany 2022 - Carol's birthday.
As a gift I bought her a paint-by-numbers
rendering of the Scottish Highlands 
where we had toured the year before.
I thought this project something she might enjoy
though I wasn't sure she'd be up to it.
Nevertheless, days later I saw it stretched 
out on her sewing table and she had begun.
She was diligent, doing only a little each day.
The intricate detail could not be rushed.
She began in the upper left corner 
working downward to the right
as expected from a right-hander.
There were forested patches
mountain heights descending valleys.

She was not able to finish 
having completed three-fourths of the piece.
After she died I looked at her work
still stretched out on her sewing table
taped down at the edges.
Knowing what I must do wanted to do
I sat down one day to finish her work
taking weeks as it required careful detail.

Finally, we finished!
There was one thing remaining -
to properly frame it as it was our masterpiece!
I spared no expense, little matter it was a lowly paint-by-numbers.
I took it to a professional framer
spending a long time determining the best.
In the end I chose a frame, one made by hand -
cut, stained, bevelled edging, museum quality glass.

If I had to give up all else that hang on my walls
this piece only would remain.
It was and will ever be
our last collaboration, our work of art!

morning fire burns low
autumn rises at my back
Hurricane Ridge camp
my wife not long passed

whuff whuff of big wings
raven low under fir branches
sharp turns over my head
soulful "croak" flies away

"I've been visited" 
I knew clearly
as from a kind friend
I resumed my fire vigil

leaving Hurricane Ridge 
crossing my path - raven flying
shadowed wings on rock wall
a farewell for going home